I seem to have developed a trend with these insightful, all-entertaining notes of mine. I noticed that I begin my amusing little gems with some sort of commentary, or at the very least a slanted take, on current news. To continue in this vein and yet to break up the monotony of it all, I will begin this note with some current sporting news (that ought to be interesting to about 3 of you).
Brett Favre announced we will not see him playing in purple this season; although, with three shots to the chest and one to the head, I suppose we can say the same thing about Steve McNair. YEAH, I WENT THERE! Michael Vick has just been reinstated by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell after his jail-time for bankrolling a dog-fighting ring. Several teams have looked into signing him, but the most disturbing rumor I saw was that the Cleveland Browns are interested. I cannot imagine how that would go over with the "Dawg Pound" (a group of fans who dress up like dogs, complete with masks and giant, plastic bones). Maybe next he could be the spokesperson for some puppy chow or Master of Ceremony and Head Judge for the Eukanuba and American Kennel Club's Nation Championship Dog Show. HA!
Moving on...
Drive-through etiquette (written as spoken to violators):
1. Please, do not have midget arms! If you park some ungodly distance away from the window, why, Sweet Jesus, must you insist on barely sticking your hand out the window? I should not have to bend completely over and stretch out to hand you transactional items. What do you want me to do? Should I hook my feet inside the window, get a nylon rope, some Carabiners, and a belay device or two (yeah...I know about rappelling) and rappel myself down to your car for you? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE I'LL DO IT! I WILL CERTAINLY DO IT, YOU SHORT-ARMED WILDEBEEST!
2. Get off the phone or I will take it and feed it to Rosie O'Donnell; she'll probably swallow it whole like she does full-grown, live cows, small children, and parts of Elizabeth Hasselbeck! I know it is a modern, electronic age, but why must your cell be perpetually connected to your head? I would not mind if you could multitask and speak to me, but you insist on plowing through your long-winded conversation with your other boring, annoying, fake friends. SO RUDE! You know you are pulling up to the pharmacy. Tell your friend you have to pick up your psycho meds, and you will call them back after being sedated.
3. Why don't you know what prescription or how many you are getting? Do not get angry when I ask you. It is a legitimate question. I am not asking you the color of your ginormous underwear (of which can be used as a makeshift parachute).
4. When I get the prescription you drop off and check to see if all your information is in the system, do not drive further so you can see. You make me feel as though I am doing something wrong. I am not flipping your prescription over and drawing a caricature of you with an arrow pointing to you saying, "RETARD!" I am certainly not looking up pornography on the internet (we do not have any internet access as all hardware and software is antiquated to the point that the guy at Goodwill would laugh at you if you tried to donate anything).
5. When I need to do something to your prescription (i.e. edit the date, add a coupon/voucher, edit the day-supply, refund...) , and tell you to go around - DO IT! DON'T BE RUDE! PEOPLE BEHIND YOU SHOULDN'T WAIT FOR SOMETHING THAT IS ALMOST ALWAYS YOU FAULT!
6. Don't be grabby! I have to run your card or get your change, so put your hand down or I will slap it. I am in a slapping mood, so do not tempt me. While I am at, I will also be slapping your horrible children - right in their spoiled, snot-covered, crying faces. Don't mind the smile, it is only because I am really enjoying it. You are a poor excuse for a parent by the way...a belt...or a fist...maybe a pillowcase full of nickles...
7. DO NOT SMOKE! DO NOT SMOKE! DO NOT SMOKE! If you choose to slowly kill yourself, I am totally cool with that, but don't come blowing smoke in my face. Not only is it unfathomably rude, I could sue you - and win for assault with a deadly weapon (look it up...). I do not need to be breathing all that crap from your cancer stick. This one really pisses me off. If you have ever seen what Michael Madsen's character does in "Reservoir Dogs" with a cigarette...if only...
8. You are on Medicaid - fine. You roll up in your BMW with 22''s or a fully loaded Altima (still a $35,000 car) and get crazy in my face - we have a problem. The taxpayers are paying for your prescription (me included). This certainly does not entitle you to get loud and demanding. No, you cannot demand brand. No, you cannot get a giftcard. No, I am not calling them to get them to make it $0 when it runs though as $5. You have a much better situation than I do, so I have no sympathy for you wanting all kinds of other stuff. There are plenty of people who get assistance that are honestly using funds. Quit abusing the system, and quit giving me attitude because the government has decided that for one instance it won't wipe your butt for you and pay for everything (though, clearly, you are lying about your financial situation). You are the lowest of scum on earth, and a drain on society. The banking system and real estate markets have a lot to do with the current state of the economy, but people just like you scamming and fraudulently using and abusing welfare initiatives like Medicaid are a bigger problem because that will not go away. Way to perpetuate stereotypes!
I was going to write about a crazy lady that #8 reminded me of, but now I am too pissed off to add any humor to the story.
Until next time...
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